Up until college, I decided that shorts, as a type of clothing, sucks ass. Like literally sucking your ass into the smallest amount of fabric possible. It is all sorts of uncomfortable and revealing all at the same time. In high school, I was all about the jean skirt. But that’s a whole other thing…

Back to shorts. Fast forward, move to NY from CA, blah blah blah, BAM…college and Urban Outfitters. I’m pretty sure UO singlehandedly brought back 90′s and grunge this past decade. late 2000s, the cut-off high-waisted jean shorts were brought back from the grave. It was a risky move. So 80′s, not that long ago, and frankly wasn’t a very universally flattering trend. But models are paid the big bucks to make everything look awesome. Jean shorts are the look of the “I’m a super hot babe, but also super chill because I can destroy my jeans” girl.

After my wildly successful cowboys and indians themed party, I was in possession of a pair of  cut-off jean shorts. Jorts if you will. And I got a legit pair, like $5 at Salvation Army with patches already there holding together the crotch area of these bleached blue mom jeans. Sexy. Levi’s classic button fly to boot. WINNER.I wore them all throughout college. Crop tops in the summer and leggings in the winter. LOVED THEM. But that was when I was still fishing for the opposite sex I guess. Or something. Trying to be cool. Honestly, and unfortunately, high-wasted jean cut offs are one of those girl hot pieces that just doesn’t work in real life.

photo by sasha arutyunova

I recently decided to get rid of them. Their hem was shredded to the point when I would often trip over myself trying to get into them without being tangled in the fray. Slight butt cheek action. And my favorite, squishing all my organs together so I can barely eat a meal. And 80′s.

Not that there was anything wrong with the 80′s. Those cheeky bastards had their time and place. But now is definitely not the time.

And here is the spread that has put the last nail in the coffin on my love affair with jean shorts. Brought to you by Vogue España.

Nothing like a high fashion editorial to reveal how out of hand a trend has become. Just get your denim shorts hemmed, ladies. And if you still need help, here’s this video that will ensure you’ll be burning your cut-offs in a trashcan fire immediately.

Just saying. You might as well be nude.

Let’s explore my favorite color through the years!

Age: 4

Favorite movie: The Wizard of Oz

I was way more interested the sparkling metropolis of the Emerald City than those ruby slippers you can get at Payless. Tell me that the city isn’t some secret alien spaceship. Look at those curves and that shine!

“I’m a little mermaid!” —Cassandra, Age 5

Favorite Disney Princess: The Little Mermaid

Because at age 5, I though her name was The Little Mermaid just like every other self-titled Disney princess movie before it. But check out her awesome palace…or her dad’s awesome palace I should say. Enchanting! Much more impressive than those lame stone keep castles in your fish tank.

Age: 6

Favorite Sailor Scout: Sailor Neptune

Wins best hair, hands down. Can’t even compare meatball head to her. And she’s in lesbians with Sailor Uranus? Awesome.

Age: 10

Favorite Non-Disney Princess: Anastasia

Man, this movie rocked my world. Loved everything about it. The songs were fantastic, the villain was scary and gross, the love interest was a real person (not to mention voiced by my teenage love John Cusack). And that freaking music box was the coolest thing in the world. It’s weird how many replicas of that gold and emerald box I found on google.

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But back to more important matters. Yes, Pantone Emerald. It all started with a trip to Sephora where I was greeted by this mermaid vision.

This is the reason why I just can’t conform to neutral palettes and black ensembles, however chic they may be. Makeup was always fun for me, another way to wear color and not just coverup. Subtle is no fun. I’m not going to lie, I had flashbacks to elementary school when kids wore their favorite color on everything, from head to toe, from pencil cases to backpacks. But I wanted it all. The mascara, the eyeliner, the hair, the 8-piece brush set….I want to look like an emerald creature of the sea.

I went with this eyeliner set. May be rocking it everyday now. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Now for more Emerald Inspiration and pretty expensive things to gawk at.

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Pamela Love//ring, $460

Icy Spicy Three Pepper Gazpacho
Olympia le Tan bag

P.H. Fitzgerald for Kinfolk

H&M/blouse
H&M/earrings
Theory/camisole
LV/watch
Charlie & Robin/skirt
Fogal/tights
ASOS/oxfords

Who wouldn’t want to look like this guy? His costume is pure badass. The western influences are subtle and cool, timeless almost. Not a cowboy shirt or boot in sight. Who knew antebellum style could be relavent today?

I strangely wanted to emulate his style. I’m a big proponent of functional fashion. Why not make your clothes do double duty? Pockets and space for a sleeve mounted pistol? Yes, please.

Club Monaco/knit sweater, $199
Dorothy Perkins/olive jacket, $79
Weekend Max Mara/corduroy pants, $120
Frye/low heel boots, $298
By Malene Birger/leather glove, $77
Topshop/scarf, $32
crossfox on Etsy/leather belt pouch, $110
Outback Trading Co./hat, $34

Just remember, leave the velvet blue suit to Austin Power.

Karen Millen/dress
Roberto Cavalli/sweater vest
UO/tights
Via Spiga/boots

If you want to look menacing hot , wear a suit.